It has been confirmed by the demonic horde at Redmond, Washington that the not-so-classified code name of “Windows Blue” which is an update will be officially dubbed as Windows 8.1. Sources in Hell assures me that the new serious update will be available for those dark souls already on Windows 8 and Windows RT devices alike, and it will cost you the low, low price of your wretched soul!
No, I’m kidding…
Bill Gates and crew at the Redmond Campus whispers through tainted lips that it will be made free to all those who are already running the Windows 8 and RT devices.
So, if you’re still on Windows 7 or less, piss off!
Interestingly, the free Windows 8.1 update will be available through the Windows Store, not the usual Windows Update method.
Already through nefarious means into the darker realms of the Internet that early leaks of Windows 8.1 gave promise of some tantalizing gruesome glimpses into the brooding future.
A new half-screen Snap feature was just one of many helpful tweaks in the notorious and highly illegal leaked versions of Windows Blue. Let me go on to say, there are some added beneficial tweaks, enhancements, and some features for the desktop and laptop systems.
Windows 8.1 gives Microsoft an unprecedented crucial opportunity in quickly correcting some of the most glaring missteps present in its new-look operating system to date!
Comments from company representatives seems to suggest that Microsoft is truly paying attention to customer feedback and metrics as it develops Windows 8.1 at least with the corporate goons and various minions that the Redmond Campus deems necessary to listen to in the first place.
“These very fates of the PC and Microsoft’s mobile ambitions alike may be hinging on this most critical course recalculation that it just may restore order to the force!” Obi-Wan Kenobi reported saying for the Jedi Times earlier this week.
Also, what they’ll miss, they’ll get it one of the Service Packs and Updates anyways – Business as usual.
Will the gang at Microsoft get it fucking right?
Will even more heads roll, and if so, what about that fucking ass-clown pretending to be the CEO of the entire operation – Steve “Da’ Man” Ballmer?
“No, these are not the droids you’re looking for…” Obi-Wan Kenobi concluded in a warning when asked about the particular improvements of the new update.
Sources in Hell also confirmed through Twitter and Facebook statements that the IT Department there have already rolled out Windows 8.1 for their business machines. Early signs suggest that it’s a “…DarkWorks, lemme tell ya’, it’s a huge motherfucking improvement!” Lucifer assured.
The Windows Blue leaks also suggest Microsoft may be on the right track. Nonetheless, we’ll all know for fucking sure before long – A foregone conclusion, really.
I had a chance to recently speak with a couple of assholes at the infamous JP Morgan Technology; Media & Telecom Conference. I found out a couple of things straight away. One is which; there sure are a lot of assholes all clustered in one location. And secondly; I wouldn’t trust these fuckers with my dead dog, Petie’s old bones!
Then there is the official Windows co-honcho Tami Reller that got nailed down and may not be able to sit or walk quite right ever again!
Oh, and she also nailed down a fucking concrete shipping date for the Developer Preview.
Prepare to start feeling the “Windows 8.1 Blues” in just over a month, on June 26, 2013 if the sinister powers that be will allow it.
Reporters here at DarkWorks also reported that sources in Heaven are still running Windows 3.11 and have no plans of any immediate systems upgrades any time soon. “…due to budgetary and technology restrictions beyond God’s control.” Jesus the Christ said as he took a “time out” to attempt to re-learn piano lessons since his wounds obtained from his supposed crucifixion to talk to us.
The All-American Nightmare Continues!